I wish I could punch you in the face.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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