grandma shit on top of the toilet
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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