i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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