Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
