tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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