you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
