1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
