my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
