either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
