I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
