chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
We left the knife in your bed.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
