do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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