just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize