Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
