Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Randomize
