got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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