my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
