Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
