I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
