We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
