he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Randomize
