Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
