I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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