you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize