By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
