Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
