You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
