i wish peter jackson would direct porn
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I would ride that face into the sunset
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
