Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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