she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Randomize