here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
