I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
