When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Randomize
