It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
