gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
