So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
