Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Randomize
