remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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