so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
