Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
