My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
