just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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