The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just cut my nipple shaving
i just had sex bonerless
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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