One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
