I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
