wrigley field is MILF paradise
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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