Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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