In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Be still, my beating vagina.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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