I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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