I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize