I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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