You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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