wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
