I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
