Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
the gays at disneyland are vicious
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
