If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You're a waste of cheezeits
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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