dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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