note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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