It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
